I Don’t Understand…

I could go lots of places with that title, but for right now, I’ll finish it with one word: anything.

Yep. You read that right. I don’t understand a single thing about this world. About this life. Not one.

Well, maybe one. I understand love and things that fall under its umbrella. I understand being kindhearted, generous, compassionate, helpful, and giving. All of that makes sense to me. They’re easy for me to grasp, work with, and just be. It’s everything else that confuses the crap out of me.

I think I’ve always felt this way without realizing it. I haven’t always worked the same way as I do now, but part of me recognizes that I’ve never known much about life, living, or the world. We think we do, especially as teenagers who freak out over the smallest, dumbest things that seem like our entire universe at the time and as young adults who feel invincible, assuming we have the whole game figured out. But when I look back, I realize that I was a product of my environment.

Reaction isn’t directly correlated with understanding. We learn through observation and experience, and lately, I’ve learned a lot through observation and experience. Unfortunately, I haven’t really liked what I’ve learned. And a lot of it hurts my heart.

A lot.

So much that I break down in tears about it over dinner with my husband.

You guys, I cannot spend another minute thinking about all the suffering (a majority of it unnecessary) in this world. It makes me cry every time I do. The injustice, the hypocrisy, the hate and violence–it’s all unnecessary. It’s awful and horrifying, and it could be avoided and abolished altogether, but it’s not. And that weighs heavily on my heart. Constantly.

My husband tries to tell me that, without bad, we wouldn’t appreciate the good. We need duality in this world. But in my eyes, the duality is so slanted and unbalanced that it’s not right, not fair, not worth its opposite right now. Yes, there is a lot of good, but to me, the bad is SO bad that it’s not proportionate. The good doesn’t justify the bad I see happening.

So what do we do to fix it?

Sometimes, it feels so far outside my grasp that it seems like a lost cause. But then I have to take a step back and remember that I cannot change the world by myself. In fact, there isn’t much I actually can do to change anything. But I can be the change I wish to see, right? We’ve all seen that quote floating around. And it makes sense. You influence your world by being what you want to see in it. Demanding change gets you nowhere, so you have to shine the right light in order to make a difference.

I’d love to say that I learned this the easy way. And I’d love to say that it works efficiently and quickly. But those are both untrue. I’ve had many passionate debates (or emotional arguments–whatever) about things like eating animal products, positivity, and just being a “good” person. But people don’t seem to listen. Many come back with arguments for the opposite of what you’re trying to “sell,” even if they don’t find themselves on the opposite side. So how do you argue with that?

Basically, you don’t. You fight the good fight–a silent and kind one–and continue to be the change. But when your results aren’t what you desire, what you know the world needs, what do you do? Do you get a little louder in your fight for the rights of life on this planet? Do you shut out the world so you don’t have to hear about tragedy after tragedy because it’s more than your sensitive, loving, caring heart can handle? Or do you sit back and watch it all unfold, let people do whatever they want to do while they’re destroying your home, your planet, the only place you can live–and each other in the process?

Even I think I’m starting to sound a little over the top here. What the world needs. I mean, come on. Who do I think I am?

Well, I think I’m a woman who sees what others don’t. I’m a person on this planet who wishes to live a good life. A long and healthy one. And I want that for every single life on this planet too. Mmhmm. EVERY one of them.

It’s why I’m so positive. It’s why I’m vegan. It’s why I care so much–and how. Sure, I still have a lot of work to do to further myself in this goal, on this path, but I’m in a good place to keep going with it. And I want to take you with me.

I want you to understand how unfair it is to take a life in order to save your own. I want you to realize that we’re destroying our environment, the air we breathe, and the “food “we eat in order to make money–which won’t do us any good at all if none of us are alive and well to spend it, will it? I want you to see how awful it is that we kill BILLIONS of animals–living, breathing, beautiful life–every YEAR for “food” we don’t need and shouldn’t even be eating. I want you to recognize how twisted and wrong it is that we put the lives of some animals (think about your pets here) above others (think about the animals you eat here).

*deep breath*

My life in the last few years has done a complete turnaround. Anxiety and depression have taught me how precious life is–and that means for EVERYONE. And it’s hard for me to watch the injustice continue now. I see things through totally different eyes. They’re different from the ones I used to have, from yours, and from everyone else’s. But there are a whole lot of people out there who see things the way I do. And that?

That gives me hope.

Eat your fruits and veggies, kids.