I’m entering territory I haven’t explored before–a scheduled day off. My plan (because I just can’t help it) is to have my phone and laptop turned off, go see a movie with my husband, and binge-watch Supernatural or some other movies on Netflix. Let me tell you…I cannot wait.
I’m so excited for a day where I don’t have anything to do that my anxiety is in overdrive. Holy shit, y’all. I am so terrified that I’m going to die before Saturday comes around! That’s what my anxiety does. We just ate dinner, and now I’m full and a bit thirsty, so I’m obviously going to die from food poisoning from something in the food and dehydration. My head is a little achy from everything I’ve done these last few days and being in the car with my glasses on, so I obviously have a brain tumor. And then these thoughts cause my heart rate to increase, so I’m obviously having a heart attack.
I don’t know how to turn it off. It sounds so irrational, but my fear of dying before fill in the blank (I finish this manuscript, I get a day off to enjoy for myself, my dinner plans with friends in two weeks, etc.) takes over sometimes and I just can’t shake it.
Most of the time, I just tell myself that there isn’t anything I can do about it if I’m about to die. I can’t stop it now. So then I wonder if there is something I can do in the future to avoid feeling this shaken up or letting my thoughts run so far ahead of themselves. I have to eat. I have to work. And I can’t stop thinking. It’s all hard for me to balance.
Then I get stressed out with my dogs. I love them so hard, but G needs way more attention than she did five months ago when we got her because she’s healthier now. I schedule really packed, full days, so I don’t have the time to throw her ball for fifteen minutes eight times a day. I’d love to, but that’s not how it works around here right now. And then we’re still working on her overprotective behavior around food, so I have to keep an eye on them when they eat. It’s overwhelming for me.
Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love editing and working with my authors. They all rock SO hard, and I wouldn’t be working at home, able to complain about having to throw my dog’s ball all the time if it weren’t for them. I just worry about EVERYTHING. And I don’t want to die any time soon. That’s all it boils down to. Haha!
I feel better now that I got a lot of that out. I still have some stuff I want to do tonight so that I can spend some of tomorrow doing absolutely nothing too. Although that’s bound to give me some anxiety too. So stay tuned. LOL! <3